It aint for everybody.

Aight so, lately I've just truly been stressing about EVERYTHING. Like I've truly hated thinking for like the past two weeks. Terrible! But anyway, needless to say I am still here living, breathing, and getting things done so I just wanna share my secret of how I make it through.

1) Prayer. I dont care where I am, when I need to talk to God, when I need to talk to someone who will listen and wont just give me their opinion I turn to him. And Im not saying that's the only time I talk to God, we communicate about EVERYTHING. Its great, it really is.

2) Motivation. You have to know yourself and knows what gets you going. During crunch time you dont have forever to get yourself together. I use quotes, or sayings to get my mentality back straight. It may sound wack but whatever it works for me, and until reading this you wouldnt have ever known. Here's a few that Ive made up or gotten from other places.

- A mans past is a mans past. A woman can be a mans future only if understands his past.Three steps ahead, two steps behind.

- ...Assertiveness is the key to success(.) I live it, you dream it♥

- Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication...

- I'd rather die enormous than live dormant...

- If only thoughts provoked honesty && responded with discipline...maybe just maybe...u'd see...

- Why waste your time dreaming about colors when we all have light and dark inside of us?!
- "I would unite with anybody to do right and with nobody to do wrong"

- We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is still the same.

- What lies before us and what lies behind us are small matters compared to what lies within us! ♥

- Just because it looks good doesnt mean its good.

- Its good to be thought of as a person and not a personality ~MJ

- Stop thinking with your eyes and follow your heart!....real talk the results are beneficial

- What you fight, you ignite!....PS: You're beautiful, now leave me alone!

- First time experiences include never ending emotions ♥

- silence speaks louder than words && actions! I prefer Gibberish....but "if you got it, flaunt it, boy...."

- Is feeling like this is the era of indecisiveness. Get it together.... your best effort is never enough!

- Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in changing others.... "I Need You" ~A.Keys

- Life is hard, but not impossible.

- Trial && Error doesnt work forever! Gotta set your standards && wait for them to be met. Goodlife mentality.

- Someone once said "If you want something badly, set it free. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. But if it doesnt, then it was never yours to begin with"- Indecent Proposal....A life without risk is like no life at all~♥

Be YOU. Love YOU. See YOU. Being GREAT. Living GREAT. Doing GREAT.

P.S. October 28th I need everyone in theatres to see Michael's "This is it"....and Im so serious =]

No matter the issue.

So I just read something really sad.....

.....its got me thinking about a somewhat similar situation I was in.

.....its crazy how we dont recognize our blessings when they are right in front of us.

I get really frustrated with myself at times when life is hectic and Im not in control. Like now, Ive been living a crazy lifestyle for awhile now. Always on the go, making moves, not having anytime for me an most importantly others. At 19, I feel 39....theres been so much that I have experienced and I really just need a time out. I think Im mentally unhealthy from all the drama and stress Ive endured and whats worse is its starting to affect my physical strength. Every day is a struggle. Ive always had this go-getter mentality and maybe its time for me to chill and relax. Its turned me into such a tense person. True city girl indeed, but this is beginning to be a bit much for me. I do alot of complaining....

......But the truth is no one cares about your individual issues. There is always someone who is in a much worse situation, and as I sit here typing away on my laptop, in my apartment, dressed in comfortable warm clothes, laying in crisp white sheets I realize that I have nothing to complain about. My life has been way worse than it is now. Ive endured much harder and more strenuous challenges than the ones I currently face. So why does it feel like this is the worst its ever been? Ive been trying to look forward towards the future and staying positive for "Time will heal everything", and the clock is constantly ticking.

Cry! OMG! Ive cried once this year already. Like a couple of weeks ago. Dont ask me why lol, but yes I was experiencing alot of stress and was so frustrated I didnt know what to do with myself. I had lost control and I felt like I had truly lost myself. You have to stay true to you, no matter what the challenge may be. If you arent doing you, what feels natural then you'll be dying inside. And I was dying inside.

But seriously, life is full of opportunities and I mean either you take them head on or you wait for the right opportunity for you. You may want something so bad that isnt for you. Remember that God will not block his blessings. Give and you shall receive. Stay humble. Never allow your success to be your downfall. And whenever you're in doubt, pray about it.

Smile, stress, and then smile again. Blink twice, straighten your eyebrows, scratch your head, fix your hair. Look at yourself in the mirror and smile one more time. Now get back to work.

Love always, xoxoxo

~Elle

This Morning I Woke Up....

Without will power my mind is jaded by your essence
Without strength I cannot fight your presence
For without you I am merely a lonesome soul
Searching amongst darkness for light to unfold
Is it the “I”, “you”, or “we” to blame?
The failure of loves struggle in a triangular game
Was it the “I” who drove you both insane?
The “you” full of devotion in which my weakness came?
Or the “we” I hope to still attain?
Why is it that with so many closed curtains and red doors
I continue to love for more, for the worst always seemed to
Cut our forward journey short, if it wasn’t you it was me, jump ship and abort
Love never intended on this seesaw or merry-go-round
My visions aren’t god’s visions so I’ve found
But in you I felt the connection to be profound
You built me up and then tore me down
I woke up today and decided to wear a new face
For you my love will never, can never be replaced
And with you my heart I have made many mistakes
Over and over I’ve relied on fate, to save us from a never ending break
Worrying, wondering, whining, and crying have gone
I had demoted my SHE from a queen to a pawn
But in this game the King is only allotted one block to move
While I the queen have the whole board to choose
So today I woke up and decided to go journey to a new place

CheckMate!!!!

Ba Ba Black Sheep....

There are always questions running through my head constantly! Most are what if questions, or inquiries concerning my future.

- Congratulatons Jasmine Alexis! Miss Black USA's Talented Teen! I love you!

Im honestly beginning to feel stronger. Its like when I am confined to my self and thoughts I am strong, but when Im out in the midst of the world I become vulnerable. But dont take this the wrong way, by no means am I saying Ima weak chic. Just sometimes we experience things in life that bring you down.

- Always listen to yourself and your gut instinct, Im serious, your gut can save you from pain and sorrow.

- I really dig saving peoples lives! Like I love it, its empowering. I would go into law enforcement but I can not stand police officers and I would never wanna deal with a gun.

Anyone trynna go to a gun range though?! I wanna learn how to shoot one and I think it would be fun. That sounds weird but it looks interesting on tv.

Ooohhh and I almost got arrested with my bestfriends on friday! Wow! For trespassing! Crazy! We didnt know. I mean we knew but we truly didnt know, nah mean?!

- Aye! Ive been studying for my motorcycle permit! Im so psyched, Ima ace it.

Speaking of motorcycles, I feel so bad for these chics who left the club saturday in skirts, heels, and tanktops on the back of a motorcycle and it was raining outside. How stupid can you be?! I prayed for them instantly but thats just sad. People have to learn how to make better decisions.

- BTW i went to LOVE saturday. Havent been ina month. I felt weird and was reassured of why I stopped. Its so much tension, animosity, and fake in the club! I hate it. No one can decipher the two so they get drunk to live in the atmosphere without a care. Lame! I mean I go and have fun with my friends and we genuinely enjoy ourselves without looking straight dumb! And the hatred from other females is truly unbearable! Either I have made too many enemies living in DC or chics just be on it! So ridiculous. Ima very nice person but I hate when people judge me without knowing who I am or because I appear to be living a happy lifestyle. Im over it, just stop.

-I finally saw this weeks episode of Tiny and Toya that I missed! I love her! Follow her on twitter www.twitter.com/antoniacarter and then you can follow me www.twitter.com/elle202 ....

- Where is my mom?! Its 1 am!

- OMG! does anyone remember "OZ" that was my show! (Its on now)

- Have you ever thought about spending your life with someone and then like yall go yall seperate ways, suddenly, and totally unexpected?! That has to be the worst pain ever besides losing a loved one to death!

- I knew if I said she wasnt home sh e would come walking through the door! Its "1:05 am, where have you been?!"

I have written something good in a long time. I always think about writing at the wrong moments when I dont have a pen and paper and my mind should be focused on something else. Other than that I just jot down my random thoughts hoping that I can look back at them and see my randomness turn to reality.

- Sometimes when Im down and out I invision my soulmate. Ima nurturing type of gal and I love sharing my life with loved ones. And since my girls are the closest thing to love in my life at the moment I can just invision him, invision happiness. Its crazy how lifes "360's" turn out. At first I was angry with Gods decision but now I can tell it was for my own good. Both times. I just hope that when its my time there will still be some good ones left. Im not open right now, Im not trynna be in love with anyone new. I dont have time for that. The next person I love will find me to love me and be with me unconditionally. I thought I had it.....

.......HAVE YOU ANY MORE?!

Im feeling some type of way....

....So just about everything in my life right now has positives and negatives. Like Im having a very hard time making decisions. This is the dumbest feeling in the world. Like I honestly feel stuck in traffic.

- Aight, so Im getting so mad right now cuz Im watching the first 48 and this chic is clearly lying and she is being sooo dumb, like girl foreal they already know that you know information...(sigh, ppl these days)

....But anyway, I feel really bad. I hit a racoon last friday like really hit him and ran over him and now he's dead. But its not my fault foreal he came out of no where! My friend Kenzie can vouch for me! I feel like I need to report myself to the animal police or something. I consider that animal cruelty. Idk....R.I.P. Racoon!

....And then like financially idk where my mind is! My sis called me like let me hold 1,000 for her car or whatever i'll get it back in two weeks. Im like no doubt thats how we do. So she got that(shoutout to Bank of America online transfer). But then i realize saturday is August 1st. I have an apartment with cable, electric, internet, and like two other bills due! wtf! blowing my whole life. I dont have a job yall LOL! But anyway thats being taken care of. And I still have to furnish my apartment next week. And pay for school by August 3rd. I think I owe like 8,000. MADNESS. All I know is that money is being spent and sent all around me and like I truly understand how important it is to have a job! Ive never had a job. But thats besides the point.

....I start Band Camp(no I do not play an instrument, Ima dancer) in like two weeks and I am so out of shape. Ive been working out but like idk my body must seriously be aging cuz I just cant breathe like I used too. This metabolism ish is serious.

....To tattoo or to not tattoo. See idk if im done with pageants or not. I wanna do them but like I dont feel like putting in the extra effort that they require. Ive taken a different path with my life and Im just not sure if pageants fit into that. The three I have now you cant see like ever! No one knows I have three.

- Whatever I really dont care anymore about anything. My bday is in 5 days, which is gonna be the stupidest day ever but um Im just gonna try to smile all day. Hopefully people will give me a reason too.

- I pray for my friends and people that are close to me 24/7, cuz I truly will act a fool if anything happens to them. I dont wanna see myself like that.

- I hate crime 360. I think its like a bad spin off of the first 48

- Im so blown I missed this weeks episode of Tiny and Toya! =[

- Oh and I really need to learn how to cook cuz mommy isnt wanting to put me on a meal plan just incase! Ima starve to death.

- Goodnight or Goodbye, whatever you like....

......About what I just wrote

Forever Indebted....

Everyday of my life I am reminded of my angel

Thinking of you allows me to remain sane and focus on my goals

When I feel as though Ive hit rock bottom I can feel you lying next to me telling me its okay

I can feel you still most times and often my heart will skip a beat thinking of the possibilities

I pray for you and and me, I pray for us for I know you are in a better place

Probably the worst pain Ive ever felt was you

You brought me so much joy and sorrow, Ive never allowed anyone to do me like that

But you, you are different. You are the reason for which I would do anything.

When I should be thinking about what Jesus would want me to do, I think about what you would want me to do.

I cant wait until the day when we can be reunited. I yearn for your acceptance.

The chance for me to tell you Im sorry and that I love you sooo much and if I could only turn back the hands of time we could share this moment together.

Im sorry, Im soo soo very sorry.

If I wouldve just had the knowledge that I have now and the love that I have now things would be different.

Idk if I made the right decision, and I guess I never will. We couldve made it! Me and you!

Please forgive me! Please understand that this will never happen again!

Please understand that you are the reason good has come into my life and I can smile

Please forgive me for my sins and I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH!!!!

@StrawberryLo Gotta Bday!

1) The reservation at Ketchup was non-existent sooo instead we went to the Sports and Bar Grill at The Gaylord with the cute waiters....=]

2) I saw my ex-bestfriend there from middle school....and I didnt speak, why?! Because I didnt feel like it.

3) I brought her a Big annoying singing Princess balloon and a card on her actual bday!

4) Then we went to Hooters that night where I ran into a surprise smh...FML

5) Costco saved our Ocean City trip!

6) The hotel was bomb, straight beach style!

7) They made me ride a rollercoaster and I cried....so what, dont judge me!

8) Baby skirt lol...lmao( Lani insider)

9) White girls taking pictures of us on the low low at the beach...I better not end up on a Girls Gone Wild website.

10) I still feel as though Im being haunted by sand.

11) Alanna should be summoned for animal cruelty. Who goes cow tipping?! smh

12) Gabbie needs to take a "chill pill" before everytime she gets behind the wheel. This woman drives maddd aggressive.

13) "Swerve Right"...Lil' Boosie. True True

14) Lani and I shopping for grinders. Still on the haunt.

15) RIP MJ! I love my sweatpants

16) So we like hydroplaned over a hill...swear Gabbie thought we were on a dirt bike!

17) Starving searching for Gabbies mystery pizza place.

18) Planning to go out, and then we all crash and dont wake up.

19) Me banging my hip(which is still sore) on the rollercoaster =[

20) HAPPY BIRTHDAY GABBIE, Next year will be better.